Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
Hey guys, guess what: heís back! Yes, dear friends, Tom DeLay has crawled out from under the rock heís been hiding for the last couple of months apparently prematurely completing all those important pieces of personal business he needed to attend to, like the filing the of scuff marks off his cloven hooves and the sucking of hundreds of pints of virgin Mormon blood so heís refreshed and ready to jump back into electoral politics. Whether he wants to or not. Inflicted with a tertiary case of the Michael Corleones: every time he tries to get out, they pull him back in. And if the "they" in question have a lick of common sense, theyíre wearing sterile gloves while theyíre doing it.
Right now, a dilemma is facing down the Republican Party like a stampeding bull in a dead-end alley of Pamplona. This is trickier than a magicianís junk drawer, so follow close. Because the King of K Street retired from public service after winning the GOP primary for Congress in Texasís 22nd district last spring, unless the decision to keep his name on the ballot is overturned on appeal, heís going to have to mount a campaign to run for the same seat he resigned and if he gets elected, heíll have to resign again, then let the governor of Texas call a special election to name his replacement. The upshot is, heís either going to run or heís going to run. And Iím putting my money on the former.
Or the Republicans could decide to put together a write-in campaign. Which might prove to be a mite ticklish, especially when you consider voters in Texas 22 are about as bright as a buried 15-watt bulb to begin with, which can be verified by their perpetual requited love affair with Mr. DeLay. So, teaching an entire district to learn how to write is going to be about as easy as untying the shoes of a greased up centipede while wearing oven mitts.
If heís really serious about keeping us from having Tom DeLay to kick around anymore, there are a variety of directions he could pursue. For instance, he could become a conductor on that new Beijing-to-Tibet railway, contract a severe case of elevation sickness causing his head to bloat up to the size of an overinflated soccer ball and escape detection that way. Or maybe heíll just pull a Ken Lay, fake a heart attack, fly to some uncharted deserted isle and play a quick 18 in a foursome with William Casey, Tupac Shakur and EIvis.
In any case, this has got to be good news for the Democrats, putting Mr. DeLay, symbol of Congressional corruption (not to mention poster child of smug self-satisfaction) flush front blunt back in the cross hairs of the national spotlight. Again. Maybe this time, that negative of him and Jack Abramoff and Karl Rove naked under a goat at a Junkie Hookers for Satan convention will finally surface. Of course with the Democratsí luck, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson will be bent over in the background pulling out a couple of cold ones from the refrigerator. And I ainít talking about brewskies.
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, volleyball head Will Durst is fond of reaching for a few cold ones. And no, he ainít talking about bank wrapped bundles of cash.
Catch Durst in radio talk show host mode on Keeping it Real With Will & Willie. Monday through Friday. 7- 10am. PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance @ quakeradio.com.
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