Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
Aaah. Thanksgiving.The very bestest holiday of them all. Food, family, football: three of the four Fs. Not to mention four-story-tall helium balloons on rope tethers. What a day. Forty-foot cartoon characters, tryptophan overdosing, lime Jello with carrot shreds AND a chance to see the Dallas Cowboys lose? Where's the bad? The good news is that right now it's not that difficult to come up with a list of what to be thankful for. You start with the old standbys: a wonderful family, good health, odd friends and the fact that we're Americans and don't have to worry about the president calling in an air strike and bombing us-- yet. Then you move on to the obvious.
Anchor Steam Christmas Ale and double cheeseburgers on a butter-grilled bun. But in these troubling times it's also important to look beyond our personal cubicles and find the universal threads that weave together to make up the fabric of our lives. I have no idea what that meant either. Mostly it's just a segue into a list of other things we should all be thankful for. 'We' meaning that highly influential splinter group encompassing political comedians and editorial cartoonists.
• China. For its status as a safe publicity haven for
any politician sinking in the polls faster than a gravel truck with no brakes off a hairpin cliff turn into a mountain lake. Re: November trips for both California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W Bush.
• France. Because now the French are revolting. But
that's redundant, isn't it?
• Robert Novak for his inability to keep a low profile
since leaking the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame.
Does the term 'hubris' have any meaning here?
• Our State Department for invading a country based on
the ramblings of a source the CIA nicknamed 'Curveball.'
• Corporate marketers for their conspicuous patriotic
refusal to infringe on the sanctity of the Fourth of July by delaying the start of their Christmas campaigns until early August.
• The 23rd Amendment for prohibiting this President
from serving more than two terms.
• Vice President Cheney for his epic condescension. A
man without whom we would never be cognizant of the subtle intricacies of the concept of 'compassionate torture.'
• President Bush for his use of the tactic of
'stonewalling,' washing all us Boomers in a nostalgic wave of a better time.
• The administration for wanting to have their turkey
and eat it too. Swift Boating anybody who dares suggest we leave Iraq, then having generals leak plans to do the exact same thing.
• Karl Rove, Scott McLellan and Scooter Libby for
their unceasing and continuing efforts to stretch the bounds of human incredulity. And oh yeah, let's not forget Tom DeLay and Bill Frist. And Pat Robertson.
And the entire Executive Branch. And every Democrat breathing save Congressman John Murtha. I salute each and every one of these gentle people for their part in making us rethink on a daily basis exactly how much crap we're willing to swallow to keep our SUVs full of gas.
• Congress. For the construction of a Prescription
Medicare plan just a wee bit murkier than the instructions for a wire bookcase translated from the original Mandarin into Sanskrit before being printed on gray paper with insufficient toner in something resembling English. A little.
• Lobbyist Jack Abramoff for the pure chutzpa of
convincing an Indian tribe to pay for his FedEx Stadium luxury suite to watch the Redskins play.
Will Durst had his turkey and ate it too. And it was good.
Catch Durst at The Chandelier Ballroom in Hartford, Wisconsin this Saturday night, and at Zanies in downtown Chicago all next week.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns 'Raging Moderate' in a bookstore near you soon. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. © 2005 Will Durst.
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Cheney Hot Air Balloon
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Desperate Wives Thanksgiving
By: Brian Fairrington
The Arizona Republic
November 22, 2005
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