Deep Throat Whining
Deep Throated Whining
Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
'Speaking with us today is one of the men who spent some time at the eye of the Watergate storm. The man responsible for installing the electrical tape to cover the door latches during the break-in. Thanks for joining us. As you know, Washington D.C. is mourning the loss of its favorite 30-year-old guessing game, as the whole country now knows the identity of Deep Throat. Being right there where it all began, what are your thoughts?'
'Disgust mostly. Call me an old fashioned felon, but I'm revolted by how the liberal media machine is determined to convince a gullible public what a swell guy this Deep Throat character is. Trying to make him out to be a national hero, when he really was nothing but a lousy rat. Skulking around in darkened garages, not breaking into any cars. Deserves the mark of the stupid squealer.'
'So you disagree with the notion that Deep Throat provided a great service to the nation?'
'A monumental disservice is more like it. This guy is nothing but a stone hypocrite. Claims he had evidence of corruption. Well, if he was so damned sure, he should have taken it straight to his superiors.'
'But isn't it true that L. Patrick Gray, his immediate and only superior at the FBI, was also indicted in the very same cover-up?'
'So what? The way Felt handled it was contemptible.
Going to outside agencies is unethical. There are proper Christian ways to go about these sort of things, and at every juncture, the choice he made was shameful and dishonorable. Something a terrorist would do. Now, I'm not saying W. Mark Felt was an advance scout for Al Qaeda, but--'
'Say he had gone to the authorities with this information, what do you think would have happened?'
'That's easy. The focus would have shifted to him and the moral considerations of his whistle blowing, and Nixon would have scurried under a rock to wait for the glare to go away.'
'Like what happened with Dan Rather and Bush's National Guard duty?'
'Exactly. Nobodybothered to find out if the information was correct or not once it became clear the documents weren't. If Karl Rove were running things, Nixon might still be President.'
'Weren't you convicted of burglary of the Watergate offices and subsequently charged with extortion, money laundering and illegal pony insemination?'
'I acted under the direct orders of our commander in chief for whom I considered it an honor to lie, cheat, steal and pony inseminate.'
'I was a good soldier.'
'So were the Nazis.'
'And your point is?'
'In a prepared statement, Mark Felt's grandson sees his grandfather's legacy as that of a Great American Hero. Do you take issue with that assessment?'
'Hero? The guy's a schmuck. He totally ruined his legacy. Instead of being known as a former deputy director of the FBI with the highest esteem of his colleagues, now he'll always be known as Deep Throat, the guy who ratted out a President.'
'And you'll be known as a criminal sleazebag who broke the law, tried to cover it up and spent five years in federal prison.'
'Yes, but I still have the esteem of my colleagues.'
'Which are mostly career criminals.'
'Well, thanks again for talking to us. Next up, a catholic Priest gives us a stern talking to on the Michael Jackson verdict.'
Political Comic Will Durst believes Conservatives are unclear on the concept of 'irony.'
Catch Durst at a special guest at DC's Funniest Celebrity Contest this week on C-SPAN.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns 'Raging Moderate' in a bookstore near you soon. Email Will at email@example.com. © 2005 Will Durst.
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