Tom Purcell, 12/24/2007 [Archive]

Cable News Covers the Birth of Christ

Cable News Covers the Birth of Christ

By Tom Purcell

Cable News Anchor: We now bring you the latest cable news update on the birth of Jesus Christ. Joining us is our regular panel of experts. Correspondent Peter Jones is standing by in Bethlehem. Peter?

Peter: What we know is that a carpenter named Joseph and his virgin wife, Mary, left Nazareth to travel to Bethlehem. They went to pay a tax decreed by Caesar Augustus. When they arrived in Bethlehem, there was no room at the inn, even though Mary was with child.

Anchor: With child? But you said Mary was a virgin?

Peter: That is one of the more puzzling aspects of this case. Mary claims she is without original sin. She said God chose her to give birth to Jesus, God's son.

Anchor: That sounds kind of far-fetched. With us today is Dr. Angie Smith of Planned Parenthood. Angie?

Angie: It is biologically impossible for a woman to become pregnant without having relations with a man. In an oppressive society, Mary has been forced to concoct this absurd story to hide the truth about her relations with Joseph.

Peter: If I may continue. The baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem. Joseph converted a feeding trough into a manger and set the baby, Jesus, in there.

Leading Democrat: It is because Republicans continue to block universal health coverage that young couples are forced to give birth in a stable!

Leading Republican: The only reason the couple was in Bethlehem was to pay yet another tax brought on by tax-and-spend liberals.

Peter: In any event, when the baby was born, shepherds in the nearby fields allegedly saw angels appear. The angels said the "Savior was born" and that his name was Jesus Christ. When the child was born, a star shone bright over Bethlehem. Three kings hundreds of miles away claim they saw the star. They followed it for many days until they arrived at the stable. They brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Then they returned to their lands to spread the news.

Leading Democrat: That's typical. As soon as the Messiah is born, lobbyists for the rich and powerful are already attempting to bribe him.

Anchor: Peter, where are Joseph, Mary and the baby right now?

Peter: No one knows. From what we can piece together, King Herod has issued orders to have the child killed. Apparently, the king is threatened by allegations that this child is the Savior and Messiah. All we know is that the young family has fled Bethlehem with King Herod's men hot on its trail.

Anchor: Hold on, Peter, we have some breaking news. Our satellite cameras have located a small family heading for Egypt. This new technology is amazing! As the satellite camera zooms in, we can see a man walking next to a donkey. A woman is sitting on the donkey holding a baby in her arms. Joining us now is Dr. Nathan Adams, an expert in satellite positioning technology. Doctor?

Dr. Adams: It would appear that the young family is traveling along the back roads to conceal its movement. If you look to the right corner of the screen, you can see King Herod's army searching in vain for the young family. You can see that the army is headed east, unaware that the young family is headed west.

Anchor: How far away is the army from the family?

Dr. Adams: According to my calculations the family is exactly 8 miles east of Egypt's border. King Herod's army is only 5 miles east of the family.

Anchor: Wait, doctor, the army appears to be changing direction.

Dr. Adams: You are right. King Herod's army has abruptly changed direction and is now heading west toward the family at a very fast clip. Somebody must have tipped them off. That family is doomed.

Anchor: We need to break for commercial, but when we come back we'll bring you the latest on the birth of Jesus Christ. Will this young family survive? The answer when we return.

Tom Purcell is a humor columnist nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons. For comments to Tom, please email him at

RESTRICTIONS: 'Tom Purcell's column may not be reprinted in general circulation print media in Pennsylvania's Allegheny, Beaver, Butler, and Westmoreland Counties. It may appear only in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review and its sister publications."

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