FAQ: VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY SHOOTING A GUY IN THE FACE WITH A GUN.
Frequently Asked Questions About Vice President Cheney Shooting A Guy In The Face With A Gun.
Q. Harry Whittingon, the man the vice president accidentally shot, suffered a minor heart attack. What exactly is a minor heart attack?
A. Any one where the patient (who isn't you) doesn't die.
Q. Didn't the official statement explain the 17-hour delay before anybody told anybody anything was because they wanted to make sure the statement released to the media was accurate?
A.He shot the guy. In the face. With a gun. How many more facts were needed? The barometric pressure at the time wasn't all that necessary.
Q. Isn't this event illustrative of why they invented the word 'accident'?
A. This and the Bush presidency, yes. Besides, who hasn't mistaken a six-foot lawyer wearing a blaze orange vest for a quail?
Q. How many pellets of bird shot did Mr. Whittington get hit with?
A. Doctors estimated between 5 and 200. Nice margin of error there. That's 102 plus or minus 97.
Q. Didn't Cheney call the day of the shooting 'one of the worst days of my life'?
A. Yes, he did, although we're pretty sure it's not way up there on Whittington's list either.
Q. Let's straighten this out: Did Cheney drink a beer at lunch or didn't he drink a beer?
A. According to different reports: yes. And no.
Q. Didn't he also say 'you never go hunting with someone who drinks'?
A. Apparently he's never been deer hunting in Northern Wisconsin.
Q. Isn't it true he retired to the Armstrong lodge and ate a 'somber roast beef dinner'?
A. Still probably tastier than the hospital food Whittington got during an equally solemn pellet face picking.
Q. Why did the vice president pick Fox News to give his interview to?
A. A simple desire for the interview to be fair and balanced. And to pay off Britt Hume on a Super Bowl bet.
Q. Who was to blame for the accident?
A. According to Mr. Cheney's staff, Mr. Whittington foolishly planted his face between the gun and the bird.
Q. What are some of the more popular conspiracy theories attached to all this?
A. That Cheney was sending a message to the terrorists, and the message is: Look what we do to our FRIENDS.'
Q. Anything else?
A. That these guys are really, really serious about tort reform.
Q. If the lawyer happens to die because of the wounds inflicted by the VP, he could be charged with involuntary manslaughter, right?
A.That's true, but because it is Texas, we're most likely looking at a ten dollar fine for shooting a lawyer out of season.
Q. Where's the upside?
A. Our veterans win. The people who are most thankful that Cheney did receive 5 deferments to Vietnam are our troops, especially considering his penchant for shooting his own men.
Q. Any other ramifications?
A. Outside of George Bush noticeably wearing more Kevlar, no.
Q. Don't you think it's time for the liberals to lay off this and move on to more important affairs of state?
A. Point well taken. They should promise not to give Dick Cheney's lack of moral judgment a single second more attention than was given to Bill Clinton's.
The political comic Will Durst has turned into a cheerleader for the vice president. Go. Dick. Go.
Catch The Will & Willie Show, weekdays 7- 10:00 a.m. on KQKE. 960 AM, San Francisco or www.quakeradio.com.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will's performance schedule.
His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. © 2006 Will Durst.
Download Will Durst's color photo - Download Will Durst's black and white mug shot photo
|Why not run a cartoon with the column? We recommend the cartoons below as a good compliment to Will Durst's topic.|
Click on the thumbnail images to preview and download the cartoons.
By: Daryl Cagle
February 15, 2006
By: Pat Bagley
February 14, 2006
Curious George W. Bush
By: R.J. Matson
February 22, 2006
CHENEY GOES HUNTING
By: Patrick Chappatte
February 15, 2006
By: Mike Lester
February 23, 2006
We do not accept and will not review unsolicited submissions from cartoonists.
Sales & Information: (805) 969-2829 email@example.com
Billing Information: (805) firstname.lastname@example.org
Technical Support: email@example.com
FREE cartoons for your website if you're already a paying print subscriber!