Will Durst Will Durst, 2/16/2007 [Archive]

The 14th Annual “TGFTLSBIAC” Awards

The 14th Annual 'TGFTLSBIAC' Awards

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

Better strap a hairspray filter over your mouth, because it's red-carpet season, everybody. That blessed time of the year when mere mortals like us derive major entertainment value from watching famous singers, actors, starlets, athletes, has-beens and other celebrity wannabees strut and pout and smirk and flaunt and blandish blatant attempts at replicating sincerity during that tiny window of their career that occurs between hiring a big-league publicist and having had so much plastic surgery they start to frighten small children and weasels, by which I mean their agents.

Inside the Beltway they call politics 'show business for ugly people,' but absolutely no awards are given out to our hardworking representatives. Unless you call the honor of serving the unwashed hoi polloi scurrying about their districts a just award. 'Being elected to serve to good people of (insert place name here) is all the award I need.' Gag. But some of these guys and gals have gone the extra mile and deserve to be recognized for their unstinting effort in making my job as a political humorist as easy as slam-dunking from a stepladder.

And although attempts to secure a television deal for the awards ceremony this year were less than successful, our salivating expectations of extreme schadenfreude will not be absorbed by the bib of lamentation as we hand out for the 14th time-- the prestigious TGFTLSBIAC awards. The 'Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I'm a Comic' Awards. Your gift bag is in the mail.

•THE 'BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK' AWARD: And the winner is-- I'm sorry, we're all winners. The award goes to Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, edging out six-time winner Vice President Dick Cheney.

•THE 'COLLATERAL DAMAGE' AWARD: goes to Rhode Island Sen. Lincoln Chafee. Sorry, buddy. Nothing personal.

•THE 'CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR' AWARD: Newcomer Connecticut Senate Candidate Ned Lamont.

•THE 'IF HE WERE A HORSE, WE'D HAVE TO SHOOT HIM' AWARD: A repeat recipient, Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden.

•THE ''JOHN KERRY,' WORST CAMPAIGN EVER' AWARD: Although California gubernatorial candidate Phil Angelides gave her a run for her money, this year's award goes to Congresswoman Katherine Harris for her Florida Senate campaign, which to call faulty from the get-go would be generous.

•THE 'SMILE SO TIGHT YOU CAN HEAR THE ENAMEL CRACKING' AWARD: She's been working for this for years. How 'bout a hand for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, in an upset over defending champ Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

•THE 'YOU CAN'T KEEP A GRASPING, RAVENOUSLY AMBITIOUS MAN DOWN' AWARD: And the winner is-- Alf's dad, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

•THE 'NOBODY RETURNS MY CALLS ANYMORE' AWARD: In a runaway, former Congressman Mark Foley overtakes early favorites former Congressmen Bob Ney and Duke Cunningham.

•THE 'MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN AMERICA' AWARD: For the seventh year in a row, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens' doctor.

•THE 'LET'S SETTLE GLOBAL DISPUTES BY HOLDING HANDS AND SINGING 'KUMBAYA'' AWARD: Holding steady at 1% in polls that sport a 4% margin of error: Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich.

•THE 'COMEDIC TIMING OF AN END TABLE' AWARD: It's a tie! Hugo Chavez and John Kerry.

•THE 'PROOF THAT LAWYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG' AWARD: Sweeping the field with multiple nominations is U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.

•THE 'CLOCK IS TICKING' AWARD: finds Iraqi President Nouri al-Maliki narrowly defeating last year's winner, Scooter Libby.

•'POP GOES THE WEASEL-HEAD' AWARD: Sadly, this award posthumously goes to Saddam Hussein's brother.

•THE 'UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF PAYBACK' AWARD: is given to the entire Republican Party Congressional Caucus for whining about the Democrat Party cutting them out of the legislative process.

•THE 'REALITY TRUMPS FICTION' AWARD: In a crowded field, the clear winner is 'Mister Cash in the Freezer' himself, Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson.

•THE 'HOIST ON YOUR OWN PETARD' LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: goes to, and he couldn't be more deserving, Tom DeLay.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio talk show host and oyster shucker, Will Durst, is talking to the makers of 'Head-On' to become sponsor of next year's awards.

Catch Durst in stand- up mode at the Sacramento Punchline on February 22-24.

Copyright© 2007 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. See www.willdurst.com for additional information on Will's performance schedule and listen to his twice-weekly commentaries @audible.com/willdurst. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.



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