Raging Moderate, By Will Durst
'Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.' - Samuel Johnson
Okay, get this and get this straight. Criticizing our government is not the same as criticizing our armed forces. Okay? The same way that criticizing our government is not the same as criticizing our postal workers. Or criticizing our zookeepers or our ceramic mosaic tile grout installers. And let me make this clear, I am not in any way suggesting that any of these groups be criticized. Especially the postal workers.
Furthermore, telling the press that you are disgusted by reports of torture does not endanger our troops.
You're all so fired-up desperate to know what endangers our troops. I'll tell you what endangers our troops -- greedy, cretinous, toad leaders who send them 12,000 miles away to a desert to fight a war based on lies. Lies about the threat and lies about a phantom desire to negotiate. That is what is responsible for putting our troops in harm's way. The idiots who sent them into this - and yes, its time to say it out loud - this quagmire.
Quagmire, as in bottomless morass. Quagmire, as in Vietnam. A minor conflict that tore our country apart about three decades ago. Perhaps some of you patriotic Republicans remember? I know none of you bothered to serve over there, but you must have seen a History Channel special on it. Does the movie 'Apocalypse Now' ring a bell?
Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi calls the Iraq War a "grotesque mistake," and House Speaker Dennis Hastert reacts like she's funding secret poisonous kimchee research in North Korea. "Leader Pelosi and the Democratic leadership should support our troops instead of spreading inflammatory statements." Hey, Hastert! Pay attention. The lady said absolutely nothing about our troops. She was talking about you, you moron, and the rest of the majority leadership.
And trust me, I use the term 'leadership' extremely loosely. For crum's sake, you pay enough for your polling, put the donut down and read some of it. Most of America agrees with Pelosi. Big, fat, enormous, monstrous, grotesque mistake. Repeat after me: 'War - bad. Troops - good.' See, it's possible to say and to mean it as well.
What bowling ball cajones you must have to scream at Senator Durbin, the anti-torture dude, instead of the idiots who keep sending our troops over there without the proper equipment.
You should be screaming at the over-inflated egos trying to take away benefits from those very same troops when they come home. It's like teaching the 9/11 terrorists a lesson by invading a country that had absolutely nothing to do with it. Oh, okay, I see. It's a pattern.
Are you saying it's treasonous to denounce torture? Or do you mean to imply torture comes with codicils?
'Torture is bad, unless it's us doing the torturing. In which case it is not torture, but rather 'results oriented questioning.'' Samuel Johnson was a piker.
With these scoundrels, patriotism is not the last, but the first, second and every other refuge. The Republicans need to learn: more strident does not make you more correct. If it did, Joan Rivers would be running things.
Will Durst is extremely happy that more strident does not mean more correct. Mostly because of the Joan Rivers thing.
Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television. His two CDs are available at laugh.com. Look for Will's collection of columns 'Raging Moderate' in a bookstore near you soon. Email Will at firstname.lastname@example.org. © 2005 Will Durst.
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