Tom Purcell, 4/2/2007 [Archive]

War Games

War Games

By Tom Purcell

"Ha, you dirty American pig, look at how pitiful your war effort is going now!"

"What are you talking about, my terrorist pal?"

"Sure, your country has big guns and bombs. You were able to sail into Iraq. But we knew you'd have no staying power."

"We have the will to win."

"Then explain why your House and Senate voted to begin withdrawing your troops from Iraq."

"I admit there's just a little confusion in America about what is our best strategy in Iraq, but we are committed to defeating the ideology that brought us 9/11."

"How you make me laugh. Your country is divided and undisciplined. You are unserious. Your politicians are unserious. And your politicians cause my people to laugh out loud."

"Teddy Kennedy has been touring the Middle East again?"

"According to Citizens Against Government Waste, your House added $21 billion in pork to an emergency bill that was intended to fund troops in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"That's true, but democracy is a messy process. You theocracy types wouldn't understand."

"But we understand all too well. Tell me, what does $74 million for peanut storage have to do with your war on terror?"

"The protein in fresh peanuts gives our troops the strength they need to fight you. The fresher the peanuts, the better our troops fight."

"Nice try, my swine American friend. Then tell me: What does $25 million for spinach producers and $285 million for dairy farmers have to do with your war?"

"Spinach and milk also keep our troops healthy and strong so they can kick down doors and capture terrorists."

"Funny! Then tell me, what does $50 million for asbestos mitigation at the U.S. Capitol Plant have to do with winning your war?"

"It means you should be very afraid. My country has devised a powerful weapon that will explode processed asbestos over Tehran. If Ahmadinejad doesn't stop yapping, he could die from an asbestos-related illness 50 years from now!"

"Good one, you dog. But your Senate passed another pork-laden bill. What does a $20 million reimbursement to Nevada for insect damage have to do with your little war?"

"You just wait. At old nuclear testing sites in Nevada, we are successfully mutating the genes of flies. We've created monster-sized creatures that will fly into the headquarters of enemy combatants and bug them to death."

"Oh, you are good. But explain to me this: How will $16 million for security upgrades to the House of Representatives office buildings help you defeat my people?"

"See, Democrats in the House are soooooo eager to win the war on terror, they've been dragging suspected terrorists into their offices to interrogate them. The $16 million is not to protect Congress from terrorists, but terrorists from the Democrats in Congress."

"You are a very funny American pig. But tell me: Why has your Senate funded $3.5 million for guided tours of your Capitol -- this will only help us terrorists find more places to blow up!"

"Because we knew you and your pals would use these tours to case new bomb targets. The tour funding is part of our master plan to catch you in the act."

"Just admit it, you American pig. Our strategy is better than yours. We think in terms of years and decades and centuries. We have the will to blow ourselves up. And we will not stop until our will is imposed on the world."

"Some of us know this of you."

"But your people think in days and weeks. They don't even know they are at war. Your politicians exploit your people's laziness and ignorance to win power. You are weak and you will lose."

"We're a little fuzzy, I admit, but I assure you, we will win."

"Really? Then what does $100 million in funding for political party conventions have to do with your will to win?"

"If captured terrorists refuse to talk, we'll threaten to make them attend."

Tom Purcell is a humor columnist nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons. For comments to Tom, please email him at

RESTRICTIONS: 'Tom Purcell's column may not be reprinted in general circulation print media in Pennsylvania's Allegheny, Beaver, Butler, and Westmoreland Counties. It may appear only in the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review and its sister publications."

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