Will Durst Will Durst, 4/18/2006 [Archive]

He Is The Leakingest

He's the Leakingest

Raging Moderate, by Will Durst

This is in-leaking-credible. According to leaked grand jury testimony, it turns out the person who instructed Scooter Libby to leak classified information about pre-Iraq war intelligence was the president himself. Can't wait for them play "Hail to the Leaker" as he enters the Capitol next January for his State of the Union Leakage. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the First Leaker of the United States of America, George Leaky Bush." I always suspected the president was a sneaky leaker. And now it turns out he's the Chief Leaker. The Chief Executive Officer of Leakwell Incorporated. Chicken Leaker.

Let's welcome today's guest, the headliner of the 3rd annual Leakapalooza, lead singer Leaky Leakman of Leaky Leakman and the Leakers. That crafty veteran manager of the five-time defending champions Texas Leakers. And no, that's not redundant. And because news of his leakage has been leaked, the Leaker-in-Chief is seriously involved in heavy duty leakage control. He trusted in that old adage, "Leak and Learn," so he leaked his ass off. Fortunately, they have adult garments for that now. I think they're called "Leakenders" or "Leakaways." "Wear Leakaways and you won't leak a ways."

Leak is such an ugly word, isn't it? Leaker is even worse. Like a loser with the dribbles. Leak, leak, bo beak, banana fana fo feak. Fee fie fo feak. LEAKY!

When the going gets tough; the tough leak like chronic diarrhea. Leakers unite! And form a trickle. Voted least leakly to succeed. Through the leaking glass.

Going to have to face it: he's addicted to leaks. He's going to leak, leak, leak, around the clock. And this ain't the first time. Ever since college there have been rumors he had a leaky beak. The man is positively leakalicious.

He doesn't have to answer to us. He's the leaker of the free world. From the party of Lincoln to the party of Leakin. A lesson learned from Nixon: stonewall and you stonewall alone. Leak and the world leaks with you. Leaking like the confidence of the forward shooters in a Dick Cheney hunting party. As leaky as the roof on the last duplex standing in the 9th Ward.

Leakier than a condom on the 50-yard line after an Oakland Raiders double-overtime playoff game. The human personification of a rusted rain gutter in Seattle during January. Leaky. As the vice-president told Patrick Leahy on the floor of the Senate: "Go leak yourself!" Leak me? Leak you! This leaking leaker's leaked.

Who knows why he leaked. Plausible leakability, perhaps. Might have been an involuntary muscle spasm, or maybe it's just the leak of love. One explanation is he didn't mean to leak, he was just being leaksadasical. Morphed into Dr. Kevorkaleaker before our very eyes. Just wanted to assure himself of a major role in the newest production of "Around the Truth in 80 Leaks." Filmed in Leak-O-Rama. Wasn't really his fault, he and Captain Hazelwood were playing a quick game of "leak, leak, splash," when all hell broke loose and his pie hole began to leak partisan ooze. Or maybe it's a simple case of living out his childhood dream of finally becoming one of the lesser known Knights of the Round Table, Sir Leaksalot.

Comic, actor, writer, radio talk show host, cheeseburger aficionado Will Durst will never be able to eat potato leek soup again.

Will Durst is a political comic/ syndicated columnist/ AM radio talk show host/ defense liability.

Don't forget the Will & Willie Show. Monday through Friday. 7- 10 a.m. PST and PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance at www.quakeradio.com.



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